If you know anything about me, then you know I love soccer.  And not sort-of-kind of-like the game. I love the game. I really love the game. So what made me fall in love with soccer? Well like in any great love story, there were many small moments, but one that really took me from like to love, was…failure. Yep, getting rejected, falling flat. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but through failure I found passion.

Let me tell you about that moment. I was 10. I wanted to make an elite level team‑-to be precise, it was Long Island Select. Tryouts were tough. The stakes were high. This was my FIRST experience where the kids were wayyyyy better than me and there were a lot of them. I felt small, literally and figuratively. For the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable.

It was a big challenge but I held my own and gave myself a chance. I put myself out there. I was scared. I was also having fun. Super scary fun. I was challenged, exposed, judged and energized. In the end, I didn’t make the team. I was devastated. It was a loss. It was failure. Yet later down the road, I realized that moment was THE moment that changed me.

My parents, as parents do, tried to make me feel better. They spoke of politics, which I knew nothing about, and tried to lessen the blow, by making it about something else and not me. But then something happened: they turned their focus back on me. They empowered me with a simple question: what do you want to do about it? I replied, “I want to make that team”. Fight or flight. I chose to fight. They immediately enrolled me in soccer camps for the rest of the summer. These were not kiddie day camps. They had the best coaches and best players. This was the environment I wanted to be in. And it was my choice. I made the decision to keep competing. Compete to create.

I didn’t stop there, and you need to listen because this is important. I took camp home with me. All day, every day I played with the ball.  In the house. In the driveway. The front and back yard. In the street. At the park. I was so motivated. I explored my limits and created fun games and activities on my own. I volunteered lots of my time to the game and along the way acquired new skills. I was all in.

One year later I tried out again.  It was a big challenge but I was ready. I came back stronger, confident and with a new skill set. Wouldn’t you know it, I made the “B” team (the “A” team wasn’t so far away—but that’s another blog post). The “B” team was enough to excite me. More importantly by making it, I learned the most valuable lesson of all: with hard work and dedication, you can achieve your goals. Hard work and passion became the cornerstones of my game. I failed. I worked harder. I reached my goal. And in the process, I went from liking the game, to loving it.

When we don’t let our kids fail, we miss out on great opportunities to teach them how to cope, reach, grow and ultimately pick themselves up and maybe, if they’re like me, find a passion they didn’t know they had. Let your kids have these moments of failure. They just may surprise you. Or better yet surprise themselves. Watch the magic happen and don’t forget, it’s not about you.

Parents’ Check List

• Allow your kids to grow and stretch through new challenges, aka, the ultimate motivator.
• Empower your children with choices to pursue their goals. It will increase their intrinsic motivation.
• Learning, exploring and acquiring new skills can be fun and rewarding.
• Confidence comes to those that DO.
• Failure is an opportunity to teach strength when you are vulnerable.